Hollywood, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 5 November 2003 -- In the most dramatic and expensive takeover in film industry history, a group of high-tech billionaires, including Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Steve Ballmer, Steve Jobs, Pierre Omidyar, and Larry Ellison, announced today the acquisition of the Warner Brothers film studio and film catalogue, as well as three other companies, with one stated purpose: to remake The Matrix Revolutions.

"We saw the film this morning," said Pierre Omidyar, founder and Chairman of eBay, "and it sucked. It sucked so bad, we had to do something about it."

"Hollywood just doesn't get it," said Steve Ballmer, Microsoft CEO. "A lousy Matrix movie will cost us billions in lost productivity, because our employees are so bummed out!"

"Apple likewise faces a serious setback because our employees are also upset with the way things turn out in Revolutions," added Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer.

Over an impromptu conference call this morning, the group of billionaires decided to immediately pool their money together and purchase Warner Brothers, NPV Entertainment, Silver Pictures, and Village Roadshow Pictures, the production companies reponsible for the film The Matrix Revolutions starring Keanu Reeves.

Andy and Larry Wachowski, the directors and writers of the Matrix trilogy, no longer own any rights to the films or scripts. In fact, the billionaire group, which calls itself "The Matrix Rescue Team", says it will hire other writers and a different director to remake the film. A new script is due Thursday, and production is slated to begin next Monday. "We work differently in the tech business," said Bill Gates. "We won't need years to get this new film out. We plan to have it out by Memorial Day."

The full cast, including Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, Hugo Weaving, Mary Alice, Ian Bliss, Helmut Bakaitis, Jada Pinkett Smith, Anthony Wong, Anthony Zerbe, and Lambert Wilson, have already agreed to remake the film with a new and improved script. "A script that doesn't suck," said Steve Ballmer.

In order to secure the cooperation of the full cast, each cast member will receive $100 million upon completion of filming. The entire project is slated to cost $25 billion, making it the most expensive movie in history.

"It's worth it," says Paul Allen. "We waited and waited for resolution in Revolutions and the Wachowskis failed to deliver. We're going to fix that. It's our new mission in life."

Posted by denounce on November 5, 2003 12:51 PM