December 1996
December 15, 1996INTERNATIONAL UNITED AMALGAMATED DYNAMIC NETWORK SYSTEMS SOLUTIONS OF OMAHA ANNOUNCES "BREAKTHROUGH" Corporate and Government Clients Flock to Purchase New Software
Jessup, MD /DenounceNewswire/ -- November 47, 1996 -- International United Amalgamated Dynamic Network Systems Solutions of Omaha (NYSE: HUH) today announced the release of its much-anticipated "BreakThrough 1.0" software product which enables customers to monitor and spy on the electronic mail of any number of people anywhere in the world. BreakThrough is a network traffic and content analysis application that enables users to read and analyze the content of electronic mail that is sent through the Internet. Users can specify lists of email addresses to be monitored and Breakthorugh does the rest. "You can even specify pairs of email addresses, to monitor the traffic that goes on between two people," said Yves Dropper, president and chief spook at International United Amalgamated Dynamic Network Systems Solutions of Omaha. Asked if 1024-bit and higher public key encryption posed a threat to BreakThrough's ablity to snoop, Dropper replied, "Please, be serious. Do you know who you're talking to?" When asked if firewalls, special hardware and software systems for protecting corporate networks from unauthorized access, might cause a problem for BreakThrough, Doppler replied, "That's a good one. Firewalls, heh. I'll give you two points for that one. Why do you think we call it 'BreakThrough'?'" "This product revolutionizes our industry," said Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft Corporation, and a beta tester for BreakThrough, it was revealed today, for the past sixteen years. "I think it's just great. It has helped my own company tremendously."
Fantastic Customer Interest Analysts at Poor and Broker Securities of New York raised their estimates for the fourth quarter 1996 earnings for the company. "BreakThrough is the one product everyone wants. We now expect fourth quarter earnings to exceed $42 billion, on revenues of $2.2 trillion" said a spokesman. International United Amalgamated Dynamic Network Systems Solutions of Omaha shares jumped 59038% higher at the opening bell today, as investors expect a windfall from sales of the new product.
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About International United Amalgamated Dynamic Network Systems Solutions of Omaha
BreakThrough is neither a registered trademark or trademark of International United Amalgamated Dynamic Network Systems Solutions of Omaha, but the company likes the name very much, and it would probably be a really good idea if other companies didn't use the mark. Copyright © 1996-2004 Birdrock Ventures. All rights reserved. No redistribution or copying without written permission from Birdrock Ventures. Denounce is a satire website specializing in false press releases that are meant to neither inform nor educate. If it makes you smile and think, we've done our job. Your mileage may vary. Do not read while operating a vehicle. Denounce, Denounce.com, Denounce Newswire, and "All the News That Never Happened" are trademarks of Birdrock Ventures. |
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